23 Really Funny White Elephant Gifts That Everyone Will Secretly Want For Themselves

Being on schedule... who needs it! The Whatever clock is a fully functional clock, but the falling numbers and humorous wording will remind you to not take your schedule so seriously.

The Animal Penis Book will send inquisitive animal lovers on an unforgettable journey of planet Earth’s wildlife. You’ll have the privilege of examining some of the strangest genitalia the animal kingdom has to offer!

Never hurts to throw a little extra meat on the pile at the Yankee swap, and these exotic jerky sticks will go over quite well with all carnivorous attendees. With flavors like alligator, kangaroo, and ostrich, everyone at the party will want to taste test the goods.

Mastering the art of poo'ing at work is no easy task. But with the incredibly helpful "How To Poo At Work" book, you'll be on your way to dropping chocolate dragons during your lunch break without even breaking a sweat.

Finally give that impossible-to-shop-for person exactly what they asked for with this vintage style treasure chest that contains absolutely nothing, a hilariously committed gag gift complete with a wooden nothing and funny info card for birthdays, or White Elephant chaos.

Look like coolest kid on the block without risking lung cancer by chomping down on some of these candy cigarettes. Each pack contains ten slim and sweet candy sticks that come in colorful cartons modeled after vintage cigarette packs.

Get to know the thoughtful and sensitive man that hides deep, deep, deep beneath Number 45’s brazen and cocksure exterior by reading The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump. Experience his best tweets and quotes, rearranged into beautiful poems and haikus.

When dad gets home from a day of making important decisions at work, he can roll these dice and let the cubes choose his cocktail for him. The cubes will specify his spirit, his flavoring, his garnish, and his mixer for him, resulting in a creative and delightful cocktail.

Give your booty some much needed TLC by pampering it with these exfoliating butt masks. These vegan-friendly masks are made with a variety of plant-based ingredients that will help combat the effects of gravity while leaving your ass as smooth as a baby!

Thanks to The Plant Urinal now you can quit throwing away your money on expensive soils and plant nutrients! Now you’ll be able to conveniently turn your liquid gold into a nutrient-packed stream that will help your flowers grow healthier and more beautiful than ever.

Give your bedroom a bit of A-list Hollywood flair with this stunning Nicolas Cage sequin pillow. With an effortless stroke of your hand along its surface, the eye-catching shimmering sequin design will give way to an image of the one true God’s flawless face.

Forget cars and planes, this remote control poop car is where it’s at. This mobile battery powered brown turd comes with a sophisticated gear box that allow it pull off 360-degree spins and also comes with an on-board audio system that will emit realistic fart noises.

Give your next Taco Tuesday some prehistoric flair with this triceratops taco holder. This small dinosaur is made from food safe polypropylene plastic and comes with a hollowed out backside designed to neatly hold your taco in place.

Ensure your child struggles in life by setting a terrible foundation of the alphabet with “The Worst Alphabet Book Ever Made”. This painfully fun read humorously addresses “mischievous words” that ignore the rules of phonetics and spelling.

Chuck Norris. That's right, the OG himself of internet memes. This highly sought after, ultra rare set of collectible DVDs features the world famous action star in non-stop butt kicking action.

When you've got the blues, wrap yourself up in the burrito blanket and feel your sadness melt away like cheese on top of hot beef. The flannel blanket is fuzzy and warm and large enough that you really can wrap yourself up like a big old Chipotle burrito.

Optimize your daily performance with some TruBrain nootropic drinks. Made by a team of UCLA-trained PhD neuroscientists, each 1 oz. shot contains a blend of nutrients and nootropics designed to help you overcome mental blocks and boost mental endurance.

A master fisherman deserves some footwear that suits his fishy nature. These bass flip flops are just what you need for any fishing trip.