26 Anti-Valentines Day Gifts That'll Make You Happier Than Any Dating App

Don’t stress it if the men aren’t biting, because now you’ll easily be able to grow your very own boyfriend! Just drop this bad boy into the water and this chiseled hunk will grow to six times his original size in just seventy-two hours.

Avoid heartache from the opposite sex by trading your undeserving boyfriend in for the perfect man chocolate. He’s sweet, a great listener, and has a physique that’ll put any guy to shame. Best of all, he’s made out of rich milk chocolate.

It might take a few sessions, but you'll really *come* around to the benefits of the Luna personal massager before bedtime. Call this a magic wand because after you use it to get a little action before bed, the endorphins your body releases will nudge you into an amazing snooze.

If some sh*t has gone down and you need to purify your place, grab the matches and burn some white sage. These smudge sticks are the bane of bad vibes' existence and will chase them away while restoring balance to your universe.

You probably care too much about everything and while caring a little is good, the rest of that care is weighing you down. Read this book and turn your life on its head with seemingly counterintuitive tips and tricks for living that'll help you live richer, better, bigger, and bolder.

Get your snuggles in sans snores with the boyfriend pillow. Nestle in right under his arm and hold him close, once your eyes are closed it'll feel like he's right there with you. Next time you see him, steal a shirt and bring it home to put on the pillow to make the experience even more authentic.

From about 10pm on February 13th to 6am on February 15th, hide your phone in this bag and you'll be in good shape. It's a Faraday cage, which blocks all WiFi and LTE signals so you can't get any notifications that would otherwise distract or tempt you!

Let Kevin Hart be your voice of reason on anti-Valentine's day, not with a comedy routine, but with a super candid book about how life sucks sometimes and how you can defeat the Control Monster. The book is the perfect balance of funny, touching, and inspiring and you'll walk away from it feeling more confident with every step.

A dozen strawberries for one, really? Girl, you get to be as greedy and gluttonous as you want on anti-Valentine's day. And technically, since these exquisite wonders do have a strawberry as a base, they're good for you! Enjoy milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and white chocolate with each bite of the tasty morsels.

Who needs love anyway? Love sucks, it's the worst, and you can soothe your achy-breaky or angry-brangry (is that a thing?) heart with this adult coloring book. Grab your pink, red, and violet coloring pencils and shade in lots of silly designs filled with lots of swear words.

Red roses are for love, black ones are for hate, which is the best way to describe your feelings about Valentine's Day. Does that mean you shouldn't have flowers on February 14th? Heck no! Treat yourself to a little love with this stunning black silk rose bouquet.

Keep prying hands off your phone and your body with this phone case. "Don't Touch Me," it says, could it be any more clear? It's pink, it's red, and it'll tell people to keep their hands off of your booty unless they wanna be dead.

Romance your own damn self or a friend on anti-Valentine's with a heart-shaped box of some of the best chocolate out there. There are 15 truffles sprinkled with hazelnuts in this heartfelt array, including five milk chocolate, five dark chocolate, and five white chocolate delights, each more mouthwatering than the last.

Plz No, You Wish, Screw You, Loser, and so many more are the words on this PopSocket, which embraces the spirit of Anti-Valentine's Day at its peak. The charmingly offensive cell phone holder and prop is a must for the haters, who will love it.

It's you, not me, wait what? The PopSocket said what it said and it speaks the truth. Why spare someone's feelings and tell them it was you and not them when it wasn't? In any case, hold onto this PopSocket while you're swiping left and right furiously to make sure you're not flinging your phone.